Announcement: Colm’s Other Blog

I’ve started another blog about my year out.

Poster Fixes: Kill Switch

A running joke with Seagal fans and the public at large is that all of his film titles can be Steven Seagal is *Title* and while it works often, sometimes not quite.  Here, we’re going to propose some titles for those were the above doesn’t work out.

Last one for a while.  Promise.

Poster Fixes: Executive Decision

A running joke with Seagal fans and the public at large is that all of his film titles can be Steven Seagal is *Title* and while it works often, sometimes not quite.  Here, we’re going to propose some titles for those were the above doesn’t work out.

Poster Fixes: Fire Down Below

A running joke with Seagal fans and the public at large is that all of his film titles can be Steven Seagal is *Title* and while it works often, sometimes not quite.  Here, we’re going to propose some titles for those were the above doesn’t work out.

Under Siege 2 is the same gag, so we’ll move onto this:

Submerged: Colm’s Impressions

Preliminary reports on Submerged were bad.  In fact, when we were buying up the DVDs initially there were some gaps (and we still don’t have Ticker) but one of the first gaps filled was Submerged.  It was bought to be an example of the very worst we could expect from Steven Seagal’s straight-to-DVD fare.  However, Pod and I both found it to be enjoyable nonsense, definitely better than either The Glimmer Man or The Foreigner and I’m sorry to say I think we actually enjoyed it more than Into the Sun on that particular evening.

Poster Fixes: Under Siege

A running joke with Seagal fans and the public at large is that all of his film titles can be Steven Seagal is *Title* and while it works often, sometimes not quite.  Here, we’re going to propose some titles for those were the above doesn’t work out.

Into the Sun: Colm’s Impressions

Chronologically (as we’ve been proceeding apart from when I forgot Out For a Kill) the next film is supposed to be Out of Reach.  But the way the box sets worked out we ended up with two copies of that particular film so Pod and I are going to try and liveblog it from either side of the Irish Sea.  So we skipped on to the next film, Into the Sun.

Vern gave this one a pretty good review and the fact that it was released theatrically in Japan, that I knew it had sword fights and that it has that hilariously awesome cover were all pointing towards this being another favourite, but I’m sorry to say it fell very short of the mark.  Perhaps to appreciate it the way Vern did you have to see Out of Reach in between, because next to the mind-blowing Belly of the Beast it just doesn’t really measure up.  Seagal plays Travis Hunter, a (possibly) ex-CIA man who now runs a sword dealership in Japan.  Again, SPOILERS:  Some bullshit happens to some politician and then the young Yakuza are teaming up with the Chinese Tongs nad not respecting the old Yakuza.  Seagal’s old CIA boss calls him in as an expert in these matter since he grew up in a rough neighbourhood and then dispatches him to do…well I’m not sure but his rookie partner, Agent Mack, is along for the ride.  Then some bad shit happens to someone Seagal loves and to someone he doesn’t love but is associated with, so finally he goes and kills a bunch of people with a sword.  Boom.

Belly of the Beast: Colm’s Impressions

So when I went round to Pod’s for our usual 4-movie sitting I ended up forgetting to bring Out For a Kill, the movie that’s mentioned in the other posts here as the one I was going to talk about first.  Unfortunately, this website is only operated by two people so I don’t have the resources for a Ministry of Truth and won’t be retconning the previous posts.

Be warned that in this and every other post there will be spoilers in the classical sense.  I know I don’t watch these films to see how the story unfolds so I don’t know if I would technically consider them “spoilers” because they don’t actually detract from my enjoyment.

Belly of the Beast is set in Thailand and it really helped to see Seagal somewhere a bit more visually interesting.  After the quagmire of inane plot and endlessly shifting allegiances in The Foreigner it was good to see that this film went with a simpler hook:  Seagal’s daughter is kidnapped.  Now, the reasons behind this are murky.  At least two of the factions involved are pretending to do something when they’re doing another and on a single viewing I have to confess that I don’t actually know what everyone was up to.  So there’s a whole tangled mess going on in the background, but none of that really concerns Seagal: his character just sort of cuts through it as he stomps around Thailand looking for his daughter.  He ultimately figures out where she is but I have no idea how because the last two characters he’s in contact with before the final battle he kills without questioning.  But anyway, somehow he finds out where she is and then rescues her and brings down holy hell on a bunch of people in between and for the first time ever I think I mean that literally  since there’s magic and an evil (possibly satanic) sorcerer-type fellow involved.  Also, Ryu from Street Fighter (Byron Mann to give the man his dues) is along for the ride, playing a former partner of Seagal turned Buddhist monk seeking redemption.

Before he was an actor Steven Seagal did…

…this:

Just a little proof that the man did kick an amazing amount of ass when he was young.  He uses a lot of this stuff in the earlier films.

Lawman

I’m sure anyone interested already knows about Steven Seagal: Lawman, but I just wanted to add my own commentary.

This proves that Steven Seagal > Chuck Norris.  In the nineties, when Chuck Norris jumped ship to the small screen he made Walker: Texas Ranger, a fantasy about him being a Texas Ranger.  When Seagal makes the same move to TV (he held on fifteen years longer) he does what is (ostensibly) a documentary series about what he actually does when he’s an actual cop.